After a few weeks on the bus
Being porked by Toad-O's road crew
And being too exhausted to do their
Laundry on a regular basis
MARY is dumped in Miami with no money
(and no other famous rock groups due into the
Area for at least three weeks)
She tries to pick up a few bucks by
Entering the Wet T-Shirt contest
At The Brasserie

Looks to me like something funny
Is going on around here
People laughin' 'n dancin' 'n payin'
Entirely too much for their beer

And they all think they are clean outta-site
And they're ready to party cause
The sign outside says it's wet T-Shirt Nite
And they all crave some hot delight

Well the girls are excited
Because in a minute they're gonna get wet
And the boys are delighted
Because all the titties will get 'em upset

And they all think they're reety-alright
And they're ready to boogie cause
The sign outside says it's wet T-Shirt Nite
'N they all crave some pink delight

When the water gets on 'em
Their ninnies get rigid 'N look pretty bold
It's a common reaction that
Makes an attraction whenever it's cold

An' all of the fellas they
Wish they could bite
On the cute little nuggets
The local girls are showin' off tonight
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
And it's Wet T-Shirt Time again!
I know you want someone to show you some tit!
Big ones! Wet ones!
Big wet ones!

At this point, FATHER RILEY
(who had been recently de-frocked for
Not meeting his quota
And has grown his hair out
And bought a groovy sport
Coot and moved to Miami and changed his name
To BUDDY JONES) steps onto the
Crowded bandstand in his
Exciting new role as a
Wet t-shirt contest emcee

Ah, thanks, Ike
Yes, it's Wet T-Shirt Time again
Here at The Brasserie
Home of the tit's huh huh
And it's the charming Mary from Canoga Park
Up next in her bid for the semi-finals
Hi, Mary how'ya doin'?
(Having been fucked senseless by the
Boys in the crew
MARY does not recognize the former
Religious personage from her
Nights in the rectory basement during
Which she acquired her
Basic manual skills confounded by
His sport coat, she replies)
Hi!
(Realizing that she no longer recognizes him
Or even appreciates the patient
Religious training he had given her
In the past, BUDDY JONES, like
A true WET T-SHIRT EMCEE type person
Proceeds to say various stupid
Things to waste time, making the
Contest it'self take longer
Thereby giving the mongoloids squatting on
The dance floor an opportunity
To buy more exciting beverages
Liquid products that will
Expand their consciousnesses to the point
Whereby they might more
Fully enjoy the ambiance of Miami By Night)
Where ya from? Ah, the bus
Which one? You know the last tour
You know leather oh, you were the girl that
Was stuck to seat 38 on Phydeaux I I I
Why don't you get in position now
And take a deep breath
Because this water is very, very cold
But it's goin' to be so stimulating
And Mary's the kind
Of red-blooded American girl
Who'll do anything anything
I said anything for fifty bucks
That's right!
I really need the fifty bucks you know
I gotta get home! Yeah, I know
Your father is waiting for you
In the tool shed
That's right, you heard right
Our big prize tonight is
Fifty American dollars to the girl with the
Most exciting mammalian protruberances!
Here I am!
As viewed through a thoroughly soaked
Stupid looking white sort of
Male person's conservative
Kind of middle-of-the-road
Cotton undergarment!
Whoopee! And here comes the water! Ah!
No, you'd squeak more if the water got on you
Sounds like you just got an
Ice pick in the forehead
And here comes the ice pick in the forehead!
Oooh, ha ha a million laughs, Mary!
Anyway good golly, what a mess
She's totally soaked totally-
I love it
Yeah, totally committed to the fifty bucks
That's it just step into the spotlight
Let the guys get a good look at ya, honey!
Here I am!
Whaddya say, fellas? Nice setta jugs?
Now Mary
How's about shakin' it around a little?
O-o-o oh! Oh my goodness, look at her go!
Oooh! I'm dancing!
Ain't this what living is really all about?
Here's your fifty bucks, Mary
Oh great! Now I can go home! Oooh!
Home is where the heart is on the bus!

Copyright: Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
Writer(s): Frank Zappa