They say that I'm too old I guess I'm coming up for nine
Me curly hair is getting thin it's all them women and wine
But I'm oh so ashamed
It's been three weeks since I had
A record in the top twenty pops

It hurts me when I thinks as how at eight I was top of the pole
They screamed every time I just opened me mouth and rocked in the aisles with me roll
Now I'm oh so ashamed
They all say me discs are flops
Cos I haven't got a record in the top twenty pops

I've tried ooh-aahs and I've giggled
I've rocked it and I've skiffled
I've sung an old song and not no-one could make out a word
It's the truth!
I've clapped me hands til the blood run
I've had echoes til me head spun
Til me head spun
Til me head spun
But they say you're too old, too long in the tooth
Give us youth!

I've had me breakdown in the papers
Dyed me hair a luminous green
I've wobbled me hips in sexy-like capers
And me sideboards meet under me chin
But I'm oh so ashamed
It's been three weeks since I had
A record in the top twenty pops

I've held high notes, real classy
Til me eyes went all glassy
I've sung a duet with meself - nearly ruptured me throat
I've tried humming and hot drumming
I've broke ten guitars with me strumming
But it always turns out some Charlie has done it before

What's the matter with me platters, they say I should try a new kick
But me nerves is hanging in tatters, I've done me nut til I'm fair off me wick
And I'm oh so ashamed
It's been three weeks since I had
A record in the top twenty pops
Me discs are slipping!
I haven't got a record in the top twenty pops
Please buy this record. Please!

Copyright: Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Writer(s): KEN HARE