Spoken introduction:
(Nicholas! Albert! Look, I don't know where they are, but I'd like you to meet my two pals, my buddies, my two amigos. I'll tell you all about them...well...)

I never gargled, I never gambled, I never smoked at all.
Until I met my two good amigos, Nick Teen and Al K. Hall.

Strange as it seems, I met in my dreams, Nick Teen and Al K. Hall.
Here's what they said to me, 'Use your head, just see your life is very, very dull"

Well, I never gargled, I never gambled, I never smoked at all.
Until I met my two good amigos, Nick Teen and Al K. Hall.

So I said to Nick, 'Nick tell me quick, what should a fellow do?'
He said to me, 'Boy, easy to see boy, you should try a cigarette or two.'

Well, I never gargled, I never gambled, I never smoked at all.
Until I met my two good amigos, Nick Teen and Al K. Hall.

So I lit a fag, and I took a drag, then to my great surprise,
I started to gasp, and coughed like a rasp,
And everything spun round before my eyes.

Well, I never gargled, I never gambled, I never smoked at all.
Until I met my two good amigos, Nick Teen and Al K. Hall.

So I said to Al, 'Al, be a pal, what do you really think?'
He said to me, 'Boy, easy to see boy, smoking's kid's stuff, pour yourself a drink.'

Well, I never gargled, I never gambled, I never smoked at all.
Until I met my two good amigos, Nick Teen and Al K. Hall.

So quick as a wink, I took a drink, swigged a glassful down.
First it seemed to hit me, then it turned around and bit me,
And everything went all spinning round.

Well, I never gargled, I never gambled, I never smoked at all.
Until I met my two good amigos, Nick Teen and Al K. Hall.

Well, here is the joke, when I awoke, it wasn't finished yet,
I noticed first a terrible thirst
And then a craving for a cigarette.

Well, I never gargled, I never gambled, I never smoked at all.
Until I met my two good amigos, Nick Teen and Al K. Hall.

Well, take my advice, this smoking is nice and the drinking is really lush.
As you can see, there's no change in me,
I'm still as pure as the driven slush.

Well, I never gargled, I never gambled, I never smoked at all.
Until I met my two good amigos, Nick Teen and Al K. Hall.

Nick Teen and Al K. Hall.

Copyright: Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Writer(s): ROLF HARRIS