Well, I guess it was back in sixty-three
When eatin' my cookin' got the better of me
So I asked this little girl I was goin' with
To be my wife

Well, she said she would
So I said, "I do"
But I'd-a said "I wouldn't" if I'd-a just knew
How sayin' "I do" was gonna screw up all my o' my life

Well, the first few years weren't all that bad
I'll never forget the good times we had
'Cause I'm reminded every month
When I send her the child support

Well, it wasn't too long till the lust was gone
And I'll admit I wasn't too surprised
The day I come home and found my suitcase
Sittin' out on the porch

Well, I tried to get in, she'd changed the lock
Then I found this note stuck on the mailbox
It said, "Goodbye, turkey
My Attorney will be in touch"

So I decided right then and there
I was gonna do what's right,
Give her her fair share, but, brother,
I didn't assay it was gonna be that much

She got the goldmine (She got the goldmine)
I got the shaft (I got the shaft)
They split it right down the middle
And then they gave her the better half
Well it all sounds sort o' funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine
And I got the shaft

Now listen, you ain't heard nothin' yet
Why, they gave her the colour television set
Then they gave her the house
The kids and both o' the cars

See, well then they start talkin' 'bout child support
Alimony and the cost o' the Court
It didn't take me long to figure out
How fond of attorneys I was

I'm tellin' ya they have made a mistake
'Cause it adds up to more than this cowboy makes
Besides, everything I ever had worth takin'
They've already took

While she's livin' like a queen on alimony
I'm workin' two shifts,
Eatin' baloney, askin' myself
"Why didn't you just learn to cook?"

They give her the goldmine (She got the goldmine)
They give me the shaft (I got the shaft)
They said they're splittin it all down the middle,
But she got the better half
But it all sounds mighty funny
But it hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine
I got the shaft

Well, she got the goldmine (She got the goldmine)
I got the shaft (I got the shaft)
They split it all down the middle
And then they give her the better half
Well I guess it all sounds funny (Ha-ha-ha-ha)
Just hurts too much to laugh
She got the goldmine
I got the shaft

Huh-hah, they ain't kiddin'
I got the shaft
But I don't have to worry
About totin' a billfold no more
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha,
I let my wife tote it
I'm gonna be carryin' food stamps
You get it, Judge?
Ha-ha, that's not funny, huh?
Contempt of Court?
What d'ya mean?
Listen, Judge
I was just kiddin'
I mean

Copyright: Warner Chappell Music, Inc.
Writer(s): TIM J. DUBOIS, TIMOTHY JAMES DUBOIS