After his second wife passed away
Percy Rawlinson seemed to spend more and more time with his Alsatian Al
His friends told him
You should get out more, Percy, or you'll wind up looking like a dog, ha, ha
He was later arrested near a lamppost
At his trial some months later he surprised everyone by mistaking a policeman for a postman
And tearing his trousers off with his bare teeth
In his defence he told the court
It's hard to tell the difference when they take their hats off

Mrs. Betty Pench was playing the trombone when she heard a knock on the door
"I wonder who that is at eleven o'clock in the morning", she thought
But cautiously opened the door and instead of the turbaned ruffian she had expected
She found a very nice young man
Mrs. Pench, you've won the car contest
"Would you like a triumph spitfire or three thousand in cash?", He smile
Mrs. Pench took the money
"What will you do with it all? Not that it's any of my business" he giggled
"I think I'll become an alcoholic" said Betty

With a geranium behind each ear and his face painted with gay cavalistic symbols
Six foot eight seventeen stone police sergeant Geoff Bull looked jolly convincing
As he sweated and grunted through a vigorous twist routine at the Fraga Gogo Bierkeller
His hot surge trousers flapped wildly over his enormous plastic sandals
As he jumped and jumped and gyrated towards a long-haired man
Uh, excuse me, ma'am, I have reason to believe you can turn me on
He leered suggestively
As if by magic dozens of truncheons appeared and they mercilessly thrashed him
Poor Geoff, what a turnout for the books

Much as he hated arguments or any kind of unpleasantness
Ron Shir thought things had gone too far when returning from a weekend in Clapton
He found that his neighbour had trimmed the enormous hedge dividing their gardens
Into the shape of a human leg
Enraged and envious beyond belief, Ron seized his garden shears
And clipped his white poodle Leo into a coffee table
"That'll fix it" thought Ron, but he was wrong
The following Wednesday his neighbour had his bushy waist-length hair
Cut and permed into a model of the Queen Elizabeth and went sailing
Everywhere he went, people said "Hooray!"
Sometimes you just can't win

Copyright: Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Writer(s): Neil Innes, Vivian Stanshall